About Kiwanomelon/Über die Melone

About: wikked little spikes

If you’ve ever seen/touched/brought home a Kiwano melon, you will know that the title of this blog refers to their malicious cactus-like spines. If you’ve ever met/heard of/interacted with Sara, you’ll know that it also refers to her acerbic and unapologetic wit.

About: kiwanomelon

The Short Version

Sara is…

• more fighter than lover.
• goal-oriented.
• INTJ (although I generally score 50/50 on the first three letters, plus 100% Judging): apparently this puts me in the same special family as Niels Bohr (yes!), Caesar Augustus (all right!), and Osama bin Laden (uhhh…).
• a proud graduate of the Book It! program.
• re-re-re-renewing her commitment to establish healthy eating habits before age 30.
• made of sugar, and spice, and everything nice.
• grooving to her own soundtrack.

The Long Version: 88 Lines About 1 Kiwanomelon

1. I like to climb trees.
2. I was a member of Mensa, but I got tired of paying $50 a year for the ugly monthly magazine. And then I rejoined one day on a whim. And then I let my membership lapse again because the monthly magazine has gotten EVEN WORSE.
3. I have shocked people by waiting until the twelfth (yes, that’s even later than the eleventh) hour to start important projects (two senior theses, major presentations, speeches, etc.). I think my favorite example is the five-page high school paper I researched (six sources, all books) and typed while sitting (and participating) in the 50-minute last-period history class for which it was due. (For the record, an A paper.)
4. I love hyphens and semicolons, and know all the rules governing their usage. It therefore bothers me IMMENSELY that WordPress changes all my double dashes to single dashes so that it looks like I’m stupidly using a hyphen when I should be using a dash.
5. I use a trackball at home. It keeps the carpals happy.
6. I like to cook. And bake. And eat. Oh, eating.
7. Number of computers I have owned (to date): 4 (custom-built PC/Linuxbox, tangerine iBook, MacBook Pro, customized HP Pavilion)
8. I don’t own a TV. Or a microwave. Demonboxes, both of them.
9. I haven’t said “I’m bored” (or actually felt that way) for more than a decade. No, seriously, I keep track of this stuff.
10. Other things I haven’t done in more than a decade: traveled south of the Mason-Dixon line, used a protractor.
11. I am confident that cell phones cause cancer. Also microwaves. And probably toothpaste, too (Hel-lo! Fluoride ions?! You wait and see…), but my obsessive oral care regimen requires that I use it at least 3-4 times per day. (No, no, I’m not a hypochondriac AT ALL.)
12. I think NYC accents are great. I love hardcore Queens accents best.
13. Throughout my youth, I saved up coins in this vintage metal Dinkelacker mini keg, and when I finally split open the bank (possibly ruining what may have been a valuable beer relic), I counted out $200 in spare change (which included $11 in pennies). In retrospect, I don’t recommend waiting until your bank weighs 65+ pounds before you empty it out.
14. I love all kinds of colors, but could easily wear only black for the rest of my life.
15. I used to dislike steak, but Kevin, disappointed with this, persisted until we found cuts of beef that I do enjoy. My life has been much beefier since then. Also, I prefer my steak, lamb, goat, and fish uncooked, but I will settle for eating them very, very rare.
16. I purchase many, many CDs and DVDs without hearing/seeing them first. I’ve discovered some of my favorite musicians—Björk, Fiona Apple, Thievery Corporation—in that manner.
17. I hate The Big Lebowski, Dirty Dancing, Tom Hanks, John Cusack, chick flicks, and a lot of other movies, genres, and actors that apparently “everyone” likes.
18. I have seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show once. Ça suffit.
19. I love coconut-flavored anything.
20. Canadian geese were made for chasing.
21. I like to be constantly challenged, and will not do something if it seems like busywork.
22. I believe in karma.
23. Ich bin Adobephotoshopmeister.
24. I would seriously consider giving birth on a plane, so my child could be an international citizen. I hear it’s possible, although I cannot find Wikipedia evidence to support this yet.
25. I disliked college, and graduated early.
26. The first DVD I ever bought was Pulp Fiction. The first and only DVD I ever had stolen from me was Pulp Fiction.
27. I listen to every type of music. Try me.
28. My personality fits the stereotypical description of the astrological sign Cancer. Conveniently, I am a Cancer.
29. I could live on cereal.
30. I have a six pack, I swear. It’s just hiding under a layer of ice cream and tempura.
    
31. Animaniacs was my favorite cartoon when I was younger.
32. I don’t mind if my food mixes together on the plate when I’m eating. In fact, sometimes I encourage it.
33. Never believe a plastic surgeon when he says, “That scar will be gone in a week.”
34. My favorite color is orange.
35. I don’t like pillows very much. I sleep with one at most, preferably one that’s been pounded to about ½ inch in thickness.
36. My favorite inspirational pullquote: “If there is a way for the world to be transformed for the better, it can only be done by pessimism.” (José Saramago)
37. I like large dogs. I can’t wait until I have the time, space, and money to get an Akita and/or a Chow Chow (preferably both, since the Akita will need someone to manage, and the Chow will need a friend who has peripheral vision). I will agility train the Akita, but probably not the Chow, since it’s more likely to get stuck in the tunnel or give up because it can’t really see all that well.
38. I like impractical shoes: knee-high boots, absurdly high heels, geta, open-toed shoes in winter.
39. I collect postcards, but not obsessively. I also sporadically collect buckwheat pennies, fortune cookie fortunes, and high-quality cookware.
40. The best scented candles are ones that smell like food, because they inspire me to bake stuff and eat it.
41. I can say “Too much hair!” in Greek, “Really? I love pizza!” in Japanese, “Don’t touch me, I have AIDS!” in Italian, and “Let’s go hunt some ibexes with these fireworks!” in French. If you also know these phrases, let’s go on a trip together and find places to use them.
42. I can’t really touch type, but I can hunt-and-peck at over 60 words per minute, and with remarkable accuracy.
43. Most of my notes and notebooks contain as many drawings as words.
44. I don’t believe in second chances.
45. When my sister and I become fabulously wealthy, we’re buying that gold-and-turquoise Chimu tumi whose image is ubiquitous in world history texts and picture books about the Incas. RAIN GOD KNIFE, YOU WILL BE MINE. (Or “ours,” technically).
46. There was a time when I could speak and read Latin proficiently.
47. I am a Kingdom of Loather, with Moxious tendencies.
48. Corn-on-the-cob is my favorite vegetable. Parsnips and rhubarb are tied for second-favorite.
    
49. I love fruit, namely blackberries, wild strawberries, kiwis, acai berries, mangos, red raspberries, pomegranates, and blueberries. Oh, and Kiwano melons.
50. I try to avoid heat, bright sunshine, and beaches. Skin cancer hypochondria + extreme photosensitivity + increasing disgust at the feeling of sand in clothing/shoes = stayin’ indoors, where it’s safe and cool and dark. Come May, I begin to harbor fantasies about relocating to Scandinavia.
51. I like coffee and tea equally.
52. Among other things, I was voted both “Most Optimistic” AND “Most Pessimistic” in our high school senior class poll. Also, I ran the poll and counted the votes, so I can say with some assurance that it was not fixed.
53. I really, really dislike Homestar Runner/Strongbad cartoons. They are completely unfunny.
54. My favorite retail promotion of all time was the Victoria’s Secret summertime 2007 initiative where they gave you a postcard redeemable for a single free flip-flop (yes, that’s one shoe) with a $20 purchase. Then they ruled out your opportunity to get a matching pair by permitting just one flip-flop per customer. BRILLIANT.
55. I like vacuuming, although my Dirt Devil is a little loud. I want one of those fancy-schmancy Dyson models that come in bright colors and suck the hell out of everything, but in a gentle way.
56. I love the zigzag pattern on the bottom of candy bars. I would like to watch the enrobing process in person, but I have yet to take a tour of a real live working chocolate factory (Hershey’s doesn’t count, since they don’t show you the process, and they use vegetable oil in their products, therefore I cannot fairly call it “chocolate”).
57. Food looks better on Fiestaware.
58. My sister and I know Disney’s The Lion King by heart—that includes all the songs, all the dialogue, and a sickening portion of the credits (voice actors, animators, production crew, all of it). And yes, Hamlet is my favorite Shakespeare.
59. I loooove fonts. I’m more partial to a good serif than a sans-serif, but that could change.
60. I believe that you can incorporate the 1983 Nation at Risk Report into any conversation.
61. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve ever used a car horn.
62. However, it takes more than one hand to count the number of times I’ve been pulled over/ticketed.
63. I have no tattoos (yet), and only got my ears pierced at age 21.
64. I loooove cinnamon, and keep about half a dozen varieties in my spice crate. I recommend trying it as a seasoning for meat–you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
65. I don’t wear gold jewelry. Only silver.
66. I have an almost perfect diagram of Ursa Major on my right arm. In tiny birthmarks.
67. I try to buy 100% organic/non-GMO/all-natural/fair trade whenever I can. I grew up eating local, fully organic food, and it’s just better stuff.
68. I take pills (any size) without water. Unless specifically directed otherwise. (Okay, maybe not.)
69. I can kick your ass at Euchre. Any day. Bring it.
70. I can’t wear rings, because of my inexplicably large knuckles.
71. I bite my nails. I did try to stop, just to see if I could break the habit, and I succeeded without much effort, but then I realized I don’t like having nails. They make typing, writing, punching, and kneading bread dough much more difficult.
72. If I could live anywhere in the world, I think I’d pick an Amazon.com warehouse, because I would never run out of things to read or listen to or eat. Think about it. You know it’s a good idea, and beats the hell out of “I’d pick a Greek island because it would be beautiful.” (Do you know how to remedy jellyfish stings and hunt for octopi?*)
73. I love harp music.
74. I’ve won two separate Jamba Juice parties for my office, complete with delicious free smoothies and giftcards for 45 people.  Every time they run this contest, I win it.  And in New York, the largest city in North America, no less.  I should seriously start playing the lottery.
    
75. I can tell the origin of olive oil by its taste.
76. You cash cheques at the bank, measure water in litres, and wear pyjamas to bed.
77. Girl Scout cookies: the breakfast of champions. (Note to any NYC-area Girl Scouts: come find me. Anytime. I’ll help you meet your sales goals, however ridiculously high you’ve set your sights.)
78. I like good microbrews: after going through a lager phase, currently I’m into porters, stouts, and other rich dark beers.
79. I used to hate wearing glasses, but now that I’ve finally found frames I like, I wear them constantly.
80. I wish my hair would stand up straight and wriggle around when I got excited.
81. My laundry detergent of choice is Gain (the regular kind, not the Tropical scent). Sometimes I get Seventh Generation when I’m feeling guilty and eco-conscious. Sorry, P&G, too late. I officially crossed over. I’m a Seventh Generation girl now.
82. I cannot do handstands, handstands, cartwheels, or backflips. But I sure wish I could.
83. Good red wine is worth the searing, joint-inflaming pain it inflicts. I’m lately into wines from Rioja.
84. I rediscovered baths shortly after I moved to NYC. (Thank you, Lush.) They are great.
85. Physical Graffiti is my favorite Led Zeppelin album.
86. I live in Queens, the unfairly maligned borough.
87. GUO! I’M A LION.
88. I am done.

*For the record, I do, and let me tell you, living in the Amazon warehouse is easier and far less slimy.