Least Literate English Major In The History Of English Majors

Modern Library’s 100 Best Novels (Board’s List)… A Decade Later

Let’s just say that I fare much better with the Reader’s List, as opposed to the stodgy Editors’ Board picks.  Honestly, how much Theodore Dreiser do I really need to read?  Then again, what kind of “Readers” select Ayn Rand and L. Ron Hubbard as the paragons of English literature?

Want to play along?
1. Copy the list on your blog.
2. Read through the list and mark the books you’ve read in bold.
3. Italicize any you started, but didn’t finish.
4. Underline the ones you loved.

I Have Glimpsed My True Inner Soul, And It Looked Back At Me Like An Angry T-Rex

I just learned that one of my close friends gets the exact opposite result that I do after taking the Myers-Briggs analysis.  There is a different and specific relationship between each personality type, and I couldn’t remember how they described the phenomenon of opposites, so naturally I turned to the internet for the forgotten answer.  En route to confirming that Jamie is my Anima (not enema), I got distracted and found a list of Adjectives That Describe INTJs… and we all know how much I love lists.  This one is pretty bang-on, and I found myself nodding in agreement after pretty much every comma (except “does not think they are weird but others do,” since I know full well that I am a Special Person, and “familiar with darkside,” because I am not a Sith lord.  Yet.)

loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, not very altruistic, not very complimentary, would rather be friendless than jobless, observer, values solitude, perfectionist, detached, private, not much fun, hidden, skeptical, does not tend to like most people, socially uncomfortable, not physically affectionate, unhappy, does not talk about feelings, hard to impress, analytical, likes esoteric things, tends to be pessimistic, not spontaneous, prone to discontentment, guarded, does not think they are weird but others do, responsible, can be insensitive or ambivalent to the misfortunes of others, orderly, clean, organized, familiar with darkside, tends not to value organized religion, suspicious of others, can be lonely, rarely shows anger, punctual, finisher, prepared

And now, after that mess of lowercase and commas, a sentence with Capital Letters and a full stop.

You Learn Something Every Day

Master Jerry has taken to asking me after every taekwondo class if I had a good time. Seeing as 1) I’ve been taking lessons at the dojang for a year and a half, and 2) “fun,” “laughing,” “smiling,” and “talking” are admonished on a near-daily basis (the class is comprised mainly of high schoolers), I’m not entirely sure whether my happiness is relevent. In any case, I love taekwondo and enjoy the classes when I am not breaking or spraining myself.

I did use the opportunity, however, to explain that I was going to be switching jobs soon. Because it’s practically impossible to explain media planning, particularly to someone whose first language is not English and has little knowledge of how the NYC advertising world works, I basically just said I would be working for Procter & Gamble now. Suddenly, Master Jerry was very concerned.

“You have heard what the President, the CEO of Procter & Gamble, said on the radio?” I thought for a minute, trying to think of major P&G-related news I’d heard recently.

“Um, something about a monopoly, maybe?” Every time P&G buys anything, monopoly concerns are raised.

“No, no. I heard on the radio–he said something about ‘a deal with the devil.’” At this point I almost crack up. Master Jerry is extremely religious. And extremely literal.

“Oh, that’s just an expression! He was trying to make a joke about how how the company became so successful and large.” He looked relieved. It was as if half the packaged goods in the United States had been instantly exorcised. Gain, Duracell, Febreze, and Dawn no longer bore the mark of Satan.

As for me, I learned yesterday that the spicy green empanada sauce that I like so much is called Aji. And that “ariquipe” means caramel. (And that empanadas con ariquipe y queso are delicious, and should be a standard part of every order at Papa’s.)

We’re The Best Around… Or We WILL Be, Once We Get Some More Days Off

Dear Albany,

It has come to my attention that New York State is NOT leading the nation in a critically important category: holidays. This is extremely disappointing, given that we set the gold standard for record highs in most other categories: we proudly boast the loftiest state taxes, the highest cigarette prices, and the ugliest official government webpage. And we don’t stop there: every year, our Assembly works hard to make sure that, despite having the 16th-largest economy in the world, we do not pass a budget. We have fought hard for this reputation, but as reflected in our state motto, Excelsior, we must not cease striving for the heights.

Tomorrow is Patriots’ Day in Massachusetts. Apparently Maine and some select entities in Wisconsin (Wisconsin?) also celebrate this made-up holiday. It’s time for New York to step up and take leadership in this crucial sector, and immediately create at least one random drinking holiday, in order to remain competitive with other states.

While I have your attention, here is a shortlist of proposed reasons for New Yorkers to take a day off work in mid-April.

1. Central American Remembrance Day
2. Video Rental Day
3. Make Up Your Own Reason Day
4. Visit The Zoo And Get A Corndog For Free Day
5. Rock And Roll All Night And Party Every Day

Thank you, Gov. Spitzer. I am sure that I will be hearing from you soon, and I look forward to seeing you at the Alternate-Side Parking Day Parade.

Sincerely,

Sara

Keep Watching, We Need Your GRPs

“TV attracts huge audiences with Orange County teens and Dr. McDreamies and, once our eyeballs are locked in, advertisers sell us things we’re not even sure we need. Like Budweiser Select, Dove Regenerating Hand Cream Night Care With Shea Butter and ever-less-desirable GM cars. Some $70 billion in TV advertising drives a $7 trillion consumer economy.” (From the NYT’s Wall Street Wired blog)

And I feed that monster for a living.

Eight Things I Learned Today While Exploring The TSA Website

1. “You can’t take alcoholic beverages with more than 70% alcohol content (140 proof), including 95% grain alcohol and 150 proof rum, in your checked luggage.”  Oops.

2. “Knitting needles are permitted in your carry-on baggage or checked baggage.  However, there is a possibility that the needles can be perceived as a possible weapon by one of our Security Officers.  Our Security Officers have the authority to determine if an item could be used as a weapon and may not allow said item to pass through security.”  Do you think they’re more likely to confiscate my needles if they’re attached to a partially knitted ninja mask?