Unlike The Union Square Cafe, The Union Square Whole Foods Has A Crappy Selection Of Beer And Nuts

Dear Whole Foods,

I am concerned about my inability to locate organic hazelnuts at your Union Square location today. In fact, you didn’t have ANY hazelnuts, not even a container of conventionally-grown ones. Why do you not stock such a delicious nut product? I look to you as the leader in providing me with high-end and organic grocery products, and hazelnuts certainly qualify as a higher-end food.

Moreover, I was not the only other person yesterday who was upset about your lack of hazelnuts. In fact, my two other aislemates scoured the shelves with me, refusing to believe that you stocked two brands of organic goji berries, but NO hazelnuts, in any form. WE LEFT THE STORE UNHAPPY, AND IN NEED OF HAZELNUTS.

My disappointment is such that I may sulk for the next six days and refuse to visit you until the next time I get a craving for raw-milk havarti.

Lick my unsatisfactory Diamond-brand nuts,

Sara

Procter & Gamble: They Giveth And They Taketh Away. Or Maybe They Just Can’t Stocketh The Shelves.

I can’t find Gain laundry detergent or dryer sheets at Target. Or Rite Aid. Or the grocery store. I’ve been looking for two weeks, and haven’t actually seen ANY Gain product–in any format or scent–stocked at those locations. I’m so desperate that I’d buy powdered Gain in that Tropical flavor… IF ONLY I COULD FIND IT.

As I (almost disbelievingly) emptied my economy-size container of super-concentrated Gain for High-Efficiency Washing Machines last weekend, I worried that maybe they were making some changes to the franchise, and cut distribution while they rebranded or reformulated.

But no, this can’t be. Gain is poised to become another billion-dollar brand for P&G. Typical for the category, it has many fiercely loyal fans. YOU DON’T FUCK WITH LAUNDRY DETERGENTS LIGHTLY. So, P&G, why can’t I find your Gain at major retail chains in the largest DMA in the United States? In retaliation, I am thinking about making Seventh Generation my first choice laundry detergent. If I cannot find Gain on my next occasion to buy, consider it a done deal.

Just Because You Aced An IQ Test Doesn’t Mean You Know How To Write Or Make Art

Dear Mensa,

Your newsletter has gotten even worse.  For the love of intellect, STOP PUBLISHING IT.  I don’t usually get up-in-arms about paper use, but the issuance of this horrendous magazine is even more wasteful than me printing out duplicate color copies of backdated media flowcharts at work.  Please.  Stop.

I feel ashamed that this month’s worthless rag was allowed to reside (however briefly) in the same mailbox that so graciously accepts my beloved monthly copy of Gourmet.

Sincerely (No, really),

Sara

Once Again, I Can Sit At The Elitist Kids’ Table

Dear Mensa,

I renewed my membership today with the anticipation that you will offer me many entertaining NYC-based events and fun, non-threatening opportunities to meet interesting, non-stalker people under the age of 65.  I have no real reason to expect this, given my first encounters with your organization years ago, but I’m a lot more desperate to make new friends this time.  Also, your newsletter appears to be less racist, so I am hoping this reflects some kind of change for the better.

Thank you,

Sara

We’re The Best Around… Or We WILL Be, Once We Get Some More Days Off

Dear Albany,

It has come to my attention that New York State is NOT leading the nation in a critically important category: holidays. This is extremely disappointing, given that we set the gold standard for record highs in most other categories: we proudly boast the loftiest state taxes, the highest cigarette prices, and the ugliest official government webpage. And we don’t stop there: every year, our Assembly works hard to make sure that, despite having the 16th-largest economy in the world, we do not pass a budget. We have fought hard for this reputation, but as reflected in our state motto, Excelsior, we must not cease striving for the heights.

Tomorrow is Patriots’ Day in Massachusetts. Apparently Maine and some select entities in Wisconsin (Wisconsin?) also celebrate this made-up holiday. It’s time for New York to step up and take leadership in this crucial sector, and immediately create at least one random drinking holiday, in order to remain competitive with other states.

While I have your attention, here is a shortlist of proposed reasons for New Yorkers to take a day off work in mid-April.

1. Central American Remembrance Day
2. Video Rental Day
3. Make Up Your Own Reason Day
4. Visit The Zoo And Get A Corndog For Free Day
5. Rock And Roll All Night And Party Every Day

Thank you, Gov. Spitzer. I am sure that I will be hearing from you soon, and I look forward to seeing you at the Alternate-Side Parking Day Parade.

Sincerely,

Sara