What Happens After You Optimize? Re-Optimization, Of Course.

INTJ Strengths

• Not threatened by conflict or criticism
• Usually self-confident
• Take their relationships and commitments seriously
• Generally extremely intelligent and capable
• Able to leave a relationship which should be ended, although they may dwell on it in their minds for awhile afterwards
• Interested in “optimizing” their relationships
• Good listeners

INTJ Weaknesses

• Not naturally in tune with others feelings; may be insensitive at times
• May tend to respond to conflict with logic and reason, rather than the desired emotional support
• Not naturally good at expressing feelings and affections
• Tendency to believe that they’re always right
• Tendency to be unwilling or unable to accept blame
• Their constant quest to improve everything may be taxing on relationships
• Tend to hold back part of themselves

Wow, does that describe me or what?  Only two slight modifications:

1. Move purported “Weaknesses” to “Strengths” section.  Since when is the quest for perfection a weakness? If you disagree, come a little closer and taste my perfect sidekick.
2. Believe it or not, I have been known to accept blame.  I mean, I’m rarely wrong, but if I am, I’ll admit it, since you have to fix mistakes in order to achieve perfection.

As Long As This Ice Doesn’t Melt / I Know I’ll Stay Alive

It is soul-crushingly hot in NYC.  Even in the shade, it’s unbearable.  I have never enjoyed summer weather (or any weather that is not snow), but days like this underscore exactly why heat is so commonly used as a metaphor for anger.  Best of all, at night when it “cools down” to the mid-80s (with 50% relative humidity), it’s still hot enough to merit a local heat advisory and keep me from my favorite anger outlet: a three-mile run through my neighborhood.  I cannot WAIT until this wave passes and I can start training again.

In the meantime, this is how I am coping:

1. Grande half-caff iced coffee, taken black. 
   Con: It will vaporize within 4 blocks unless you suck it down really, really fast.
   Pro: That momentary brain freeze will feel euphoric.
2. Aveeno Continuous Protection Sunblock Spray, 70 SPF.
   Pro: Honestly the best sunscreen I’ve come across in a while; very light, easy to apply, not greasy or irritating, and odorless.
   Con: Since I can’t see or feel it on my skin, I’m not sure how to confirm my suspicion that it just melts off my skin as soon as I step into direct sunlight.

Unlike The Union Square Cafe, The Union Square Whole Foods Has A Crappy Selection Of Beer And Nuts

Dear Whole Foods,

I am concerned about my inability to locate organic hazelnuts at your Union Square location today. In fact, you didn’t have ANY hazelnuts, not even a container of conventionally-grown ones. Why do you not stock such a delicious nut product? I look to you as the leader in providing me with high-end and organic grocery products, and hazelnuts certainly qualify as a higher-end food.

Moreover, I was not the only other person yesterday who was upset about your lack of hazelnuts. In fact, my two other aislemates scoured the shelves with me, refusing to believe that you stocked two brands of organic goji berries, but NO hazelnuts, in any form. WE LEFT THE STORE UNHAPPY, AND IN NEED OF HAZELNUTS.

My disappointment is such that I may sulk for the next six days and refuse to visit you until the next time I get a craving for raw-milk havarti.

Lick my unsatisfactory Diamond-brand nuts,

Sara

Procter & Gamble: They Giveth And They Taketh Away. Or Maybe They Just Can’t Stocketh The Shelves.

I can’t find Gain laundry detergent or dryer sheets at Target. Or Rite Aid. Or the grocery store. I’ve been looking for two weeks, and haven’t actually seen ANY Gain product–in any format or scent–stocked at those locations. I’m so desperate that I’d buy powdered Gain in that Tropical flavor… IF ONLY I COULD FIND IT.

As I (almost disbelievingly) emptied my economy-size container of super-concentrated Gain for High-Efficiency Washing Machines last weekend, I worried that maybe they were making some changes to the franchise, and cut distribution while they rebranded or reformulated.

But no, this can’t be. Gain is poised to become another billion-dollar brand for P&G. Typical for the category, it has many fiercely loyal fans. YOU DON’T FUCK WITH LAUNDRY DETERGENTS LIGHTLY. So, P&G, why can’t I find your Gain at major retail chains in the largest DMA in the United States? In retaliation, I am thinking about making Seventh Generation my first choice laundry detergent. If I cannot find Gain on my next occasion to buy, consider it a done deal.

Jamba Juice Doesn’t Taste As Good When You Pay For It With Cash

The DSL at “my” Jamba Juice has been down pretty much every time I’ve visited this month.  This means that they cannot accept any kind of plastic payment, including their own Jambacards.  This is detrimental to them (I’ve seen many customers just turn and walk out as soon as they see the “Cash Only” sign on the register), and frustrating for me, since I have a generously-endowed Jambacard, but rarely carry more than $10 in actual money.  I was committed to getting a massive dose of fruit and vitamins for lunch, but after handing over most of the bills in my wallet, that flu-slaying, vitamin-enhanced Mango Madness seemed a lot less magical. 

And Now I Have Lost All Remaining Faith In America’s Ability To Understand Literature

I was hunting around on IMDB to see if a halfway decent movie version of Anna Karenina exists (unsurprisingly, the answer is “no”), when I stumbled across a review of the 1974 (Coppola) version of The Great Gatsby.  An excerpt:

“[...] the story itself is sorta outdated* (I’m not commenting on the novel but the film). The story of beautiful rich people affected by the tragedy of the poor** had been done, even back in 1974, to death. There’s really nothing new to this kind of story and watching the downfall of a wealthy man because of a bad decision*** on Gatsby’s part to protect Daisy is hardly riveting (what does Gatsby see in Daisy?****). In fact, the title of the film is sorta misleading. It shouldn’t be THE GREAT GATSBY***** but THE ANNOYING DAISY. The Daisy character in the movie needed a good smack to the head but alas, it never happened.****** Tragic, indeed.”

*Uh… sure.  Fitzgerald’s accurate portrayal of the state of the American Dream, and his observations about shifting American attitudes toward wealth and status are totally NOT relevent right now, in the wake of the sub-prime mortgage bust.  
**If by “affected” you mean “oblivious/apathetic,” then yes.
***Or, y’know, deliberate and heartbreakingly fatalistic.
****Oooh, bingo.  You’re onto something, at last.
*****Reviewer, meet Irony.  Irony, Reviewer.
******Never mind.  Thought you knew what was going on for a second there, thought you almost grasped the central message of the story.  My bad.

In other news, I bought a new desktop computer today.  And a Nikon D40X D-SLR camera kit, with two lenses and a UV filter.

My Complicated Backdoor Affair

I have a love/hate relationship with the back door to my apartment. I love it when the doorknob is actually attached, and hate it when the doorknob is missing/broken/lying on the ground.

Black Tuesday

As you may or may not have heard, a terrifying, debilitating, and wide-scale tragedy occured Tuesday night.  BlackBerry devices all across the US experienced a ten-hour service loss. 

Despite my passionate love for technology and desire to be connected all the time, I don’t understand the national CrackBerry obsession.   Almost shockingly, I don’t own a BlackBerry or a Palm or a Q or any of those mobile e-mail/life organizer toys.  I’ve definitely thought about getting one, but in the end, I’d just be spending $100 a month so that I could check my Gmail while crossing the street, and discover (in the midst of traffic) that I still have zero new messages in my Inbox. 

We’re The Best Around… Or We WILL Be, Once We Get Some More Days Off

Dear Albany,

It has come to my attention that New York State is NOT leading the nation in a critically important category: holidays. This is extremely disappointing, given that we set the gold standard for record highs in most other categories: we proudly boast the loftiest state taxes, the highest cigarette prices, and the ugliest official government webpage. And we don’t stop there: every year, our Assembly works hard to make sure that, despite having the 16th-largest economy in the world, we do not pass a budget. We have fought hard for this reputation, but as reflected in our state motto, Excelsior, we must not cease striving for the heights.

Tomorrow is Patriots’ Day in Massachusetts. Apparently Maine and some select entities in Wisconsin (Wisconsin?) also celebrate this made-up holiday. It’s time for New York to step up and take leadership in this crucial sector, and immediately create at least one random drinking holiday, in order to remain competitive with other states.

While I have your attention, here is a shortlist of proposed reasons for New Yorkers to take a day off work in mid-April.

1. Central American Remembrance Day
2. Video Rental Day
3. Make Up Your Own Reason Day
4. Visit The Zoo And Get A Corndog For Free Day
5. Rock And Roll All Night And Party Every Day

Thank you, Gov. Spitzer. I am sure that I will be hearing from you soon, and I look forward to seeing you at the Alternate-Side Parking Day Parade.

Sincerely,

Sara

There Are Fully-Branded Fruit Snacks To Match This Series. Do You Need More Incentive To Watch?

The Jackson Heights Blockbuster really sucks. Every single copy of The Curse of the Golden Flower has been out all week, they only have Armitage: Dual Matrix, which is reportedly the worst movie in that trilogy, and the second of the series besides, and the films being advertised on continuous loop on the in-store TVs aren’t even stocked at that location.

After cruising all the aisles twice in hopes that some movie would appeal to me, I finally spotted Avatar: The Last Airbender on DVD. Kevin had been telling me about it for weeks and weeks, so I figured it was probably going to be entertaining. Oh man. Yes. I got hooked so fast that after I mowed through the first four episodes, I walked back to Blockbuster to get the next DVD. And then after polishing that off, I was really hooked, BUT THERE ARE NO MORE AVATAR DVDs TO BE HAD AT MY BLOCKBUSTER. Bastards. You can’t just tease me with the first half of the season and then leave me hanging when there are characters to meet and plotlines to be explored. And then there’s a whole second season! Gah!